


i want it all

by wincestual (parkified)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-14
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2018-03-12 07:03:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3347933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parkified/pseuds/wincestual
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam wants it all or nothing at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i want it all

**Author's Note:**

> this is a wincest one-shot inspired by I Want It All by The Wanted (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6CoHbLli4I). the song made me feel pretty emotional (fun fact: i wrote this over a year ago woops) please have a listen before reading :) and please excuse sappy past-me's clichéness

**_You took my heart and kept it locked_ **

 

Sam stared at Dean from where he'd been sitting at the bar, chatting up some blonde chick with a big wrack. He twisted the drink in his hands.

How could Dean do this to him? They were doing so great; they acted like a couple (everyone said so), they shared things no one else could understand. It was so hard for Sam to finally tell Dean how he felt. And when Dean kissed him for the first time he felt something he never felt before.. like this weight that was on him his whole life had been lifted.

They kissed a lot at first, when no one was around or if Bobby turned his head for two seconds. Then they'd laugh and Bobby would call them idgits, which of course made them laugh harder. Sometimes—very rarely—they'd kiss in public. Something about the rush of possibly getting caught was very thrilling. They're still not sure if they were seen doing so. Sam didn't care, though. He'd give anything to kiss Dean again.

As previously mentioned, they kissed a lot at first. Then one night in Lawrence, Kansas, they drove around their old neighborhood and reminisced over some of their favorite memories. Dean drove out to a field he and Sam used to light fireworks in. Sam scooted over next to Dean and held his hand. They looked at each other for the longest time before leaning in and joining their lips together. Sam had imagined those fireworks lighting back up as they kissed each other. He wanted to do this forever... But then forever was cut short when Dean pulled away. Sam had asked him what was wrong by crinkling his eyebrows. Dean wanted more. He loved kissing Sam but damn it, he wanted more. He turned on the radio and put in an old CD he made with a bunch of slow songs on it. He'd made it when he was seventeen, with the notion that he'd play it in the Impala while making love with the girl of his dreams. He never in a million years thought the "girl of his dreams" would be his brother.

After that night, Sam and Dean were never the same with each other. Everyone could see that. Cas, Bobby, heck, even Crowley. None of them could put their fingers on it, but whatever, right?

Sam was happy. It's funny, thinking of that now. He and Dean were...  _perfect_. Then one day Dean confessed to sleeping with some girl from a bakery (Pie Girl, they called her) and Sam was livid. He wasn't sure why... they weren't a  _real_ couple. They weren't a... anything, really. But then Dean had dropped the hammer on Sam's heart; he told told him he didn't want them to do it anymore. Whatever "it" was. He said it was _sick_.

"Sick," Sam muttered to himself. What's sick is how shamelessly Dean is flirting with this girl while Sam is next to him. What's sick is the quick wink and thumbs up Dean gives him as he stands up to go with the girl. What's  _sick_ is how he tosses Sam the keys to the Impala and says, "Goodnight, Sammy."

 

_**Just one look and I'll subside** _

 

Sam and Dean always share these looks. They can't have a simple conversation without looking at each other a certain way. Like, "You're ridiculous but I love you more than anything."

They're just quick glances, but they mean everything. Back when they were still heavily "active" with each other, they'd hold each other afterwords and just stare at each other, memorizing each little feature like their lives depended on it until one of them fell asleep.

Those looks have saved the world, believe it or not. When Dean was going to say yes to Michael, he looked over at Sam, whose face was wrapped in shock and disappointment, and thought, "I can't disappoint you."

The world thanks you, Sam.

 

_**When I'm with you, my love can't hide** _

 

Everyone knows how much Sam and Dean love each other. Everyone knows they'd die for each other in a heartbeat. Everyone. Even people that don't know them.

They can't count how many times people have mistook them for a gay couple. At some point they'd just accepted it.

_"One king?" she asked, typing into her computer._

_Dean looked over at Sam and they smiled._

_"Uh, yes, please," Dean nodded. Sam let out a little grunt, like he was impressed Dean said yes._

Sometimes they'd even walk to their room hand-in-hand.

 

_**Take a moment, listen please** _

_**Words like these don't come with ease** _

 

It was the night Dean ran off to the bakery and met Pie Girl. Sam had to tell him the truth. How he really felt about Dean.

They'd just finished a case. Saved two kids. Dean ended up getting cut up pretty bad. They were in their motel and Sam told Dean to take off his shirt. So he did, adding a joke about Sam just wanted to see him shirtless.

As Sam poured alcohol on the gash in Dean's arm, Dean seethed, flexing his muscles a bit. Sam bit his lip to suppress a moan from his lips.

"You did really great out there tonight," he said, wrapping a bandage around Dean's bicep.

"You did too, Sammy," he nodded. Sam shrugged. He knew Dean did better. He always thought Dean did better.

"No seriously. You did great. You were amazing with those kids."

Dean cocked his head a bit. "Yeah, well they're kids. You have to be gentle with them. Luckily for us kids don't really question stuff. You can just tell them anything and they'll go with it."

Sam nodded, wiping some blood off one of the other cuts. "You ever think about having kids someday? I mean, if the job doesn't kill us or leave us mentally damaged for the rest of our life."

"Hasn't it done both already?" Dean chuckled.

"Yeah, well," Sam shrugged. "Seriously, though."

Dean shrugged. "I want to, I really do. But the job doesn't take too kindly to family. I mean, Mom, Dad, Jess, Madison, Bobby—"

"We're family. We're both here in front of each other."

Dean nodded. "Yeah, but"— he stopped, looking up at Sam. "What are you saying, Sam?"

Sam put down the wash cloth. "I just... nothing, it's stupid."

"No. Tell me," Dean said, standing up.

Sam didn't know how to muster the words. How to summarize what he'd felt for so long to Dean. How to explain what he was talking about... How?

"Sammy. Tell me," Dean pressed.

"I..." Sam swallowed. "I've just had this feeling lately. About us."

"What feeling? What are you talking about?" Dean crossed his arms.

"The feeling I had when I was with Jess," Sam confessed. "There, I said it. All cards on the table."

Dean crinkled his eyebrow. "Like those dreams you had of Jess dying before it happened?! Sam, why didn't you tell—"

"What? No, Dean! I love you." He felt his head pound in his chest like a ticking bomb.

"I love you, too, Sam. You're my brother," he said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Sam looked down. "Dean..."

Dean kept his eyes glued to his brother.

Sam looked up. "Dean, I love you. Not just as a brother. I love you so much more than that.."

He watched Dean's face shift to a shocked look. Like someone told him he's only got a few days to live.

"Oh, Sammy," he whispered, backing up. He took his shirt off the bed and put it back on.

"What are you doing?" Sam asked, taking a step forward.

"Now hold on," Dean put up his hands. "Don't move. Just... stay away from me for a minute."

"Dean, I—"

"I said stay away from me, damn it!" Dean exploded.

 

_**Take a chance, don't run away...** _

 

"I'm not a monster!" Sam yelled.

Dean looked away, as if Medusa herself was standing before him.

"Dean...please, just hear me out—"

"I need to clear my head." Dean grabbed his jacket and started towards the door.

"Dean, let's just talk this out!"

He took the keys to the Impala and opened the door.

"Dean, please don't do this to me," Sam begged.

Dean hesitated but walked out, swinging the door closed behind him.

Sam stopped in his tracks, squeezing his eyes shut.

" _Damn it_."

 

_**Some people fall to hold on to their tears** _

 

Dean gripped the steering wheel so tight his knuckles turned white. He pressed down on the gas pedal. The taillights of the cars in front of him started to blur. He blinked. He wasn't going to cry. He didn't need to cry.

He pulled into town with all the little stores and shops. His target was the pub he passed earlier that day when he wasn't covered in cuts and bruises. When Sam was sitting right next to him talking about the final clues of their case. When he didn't know his brother was in love with him.

_Swerve._

Dean swerved to the right and pulled over.

"It's okay, Dean," he tried to convince himself. "Nothing a drink can't fix."

He turned off the car and got out. Right in front of a bakery.

"Or pie. There's nothing pie can't fix"

 

_-~-_

 

Pie girl brought Dean another slice of pecan. 

"Thank you," Dean sighed. She slid the plate over to him and sat down. Dean looked at her curiously.

"I gotta say. I've seen a lot of drifters come and go here, us being int he middle of Nowhere's Land and all, and some of them are pretty sketchy, but you definitely take the cake. Or pie."

Dean smiled and looked down.

"Should I even ask why you look like you just got in a fight with a wood chipper?"

Dean chuckled. "Probably not."

"Okay," she nodded, getting up.

For some reason Dean didn't want her to go. Something about her... reminded him of Sam.

"Uh... maybe..." Dean started but couldn't bring himself to say it. "Nevermind," he shook his head, picking up his fork.

"What happened?" she asked, sitting down again.

Dean twisted his fork between his fingers. "It's nothing. Don't worry about it."

"Bull. You have blood stains on your shirt..."

"Dean," he said. She returned with her name but Dean couldn't remember for the life of him. All he head was Sam.

"I just... had a fight with my brother Sam over some stupid case at work. He didn't do this to me, some lunatic did." He pulled out his FBI badge. He didn't want to lie to her but he obviously couldn't tell her the truth.

Her eyes widened.

"I know, I don't look like a Fed. I get that a lot."

Her eyes softened then she reach over to touch his shoulder. "Dean. Whatever's  _really_ going on, everything's going to be okay."

 

_-~-_

 

He said his name.

Dean screwed Pie Girl and said Sam's name.

 

_**Now it's time to let it go** _

 

Sam watched Dean leave the bar with Blonde Chick. He gulped the last of his drink and headed out the door. He hated Dean so much for doing this to him. Eating up his heart and spitting it out on the floor. He was so mad he almost gave the homeless man sitting outside the bar the keys to the Impala.

He stuffed his hands in his pockets and kept walking down the street. He passed some couples holding hands. He doubted any of them were in his situation. He also passed by a church. He shook his head and gave out a little grunt. If only the people in there knew what was really going on, they'd pray to him instead.

The sign outside the church read, "Forgiveness is key! Can you forgive Dean?"

Sam blinked.

_Forgiveness is key! Can you forgive yourself?_

He sighed. "Get it together, Sam." Walking passed the church, Sam saw a bookstore. They had a poster for Get Over Dean.

Wait.

_Need for Speed._

Sam shook his head. He kept walking. He was just wanted to get to the Impala, go back to the motel, and sleep.

But how could he when they were having a sale on 10 Ways to Get Over your Big Brother?

"Deal with Your Step Mother," Sam re-read, walking faster.

"Hi, sir, have you forgiven Dean?" a man in a black suit asked.

"What?!" Sam yelled.

"I said have you heard the good news?"

Sam ran away. He was losing it.

"Spare Dean?" An old man asked.

"What?" Sam asked, looking at his cup.

"Spare change?"

Sam shook his head. "I... no, I'm sorry. I have to go."

Everything was Dean. Every sign, every store. Everything told Sam to get over it and forgive him. After all is it really his fault he doesn't feel the same way?

 

_**I want it all or nothing at all to have you here** _

 

After a few weeks Sam decided that being mad at Dean wasn't solving anything. Dean obviously wasn't going to change his mind after what happened with Pie Girl. He also decided the way things were going before didn't work. It didn't make sense. They couldn't hide their Whatever This Is forever. So Sam decided to forgive—but not forget—what Dean did.

He still felt sick to his stomach whenever he saw Dean pick up some chick at a bar or whatever, but he was trying to manage.

"Dean, can we talk?" Sam asked as Dean emerged from the bathroom of another "chic" motel.

Dean furrowed his eyebrows. "You want to talk to me?"

Sam sighed. Classic Dean. "Honestly, no. I don't. But I need to."

"You need to?" Dean asked, approaching Sam. "What's this about?"

"Us."

Dean's expression changed to one of discomfort and sat down.

"I know. But it's not what you're thinking. I want to let you know... I forgive you."

Dean's eye's lit up. "Seriously?"

"Yeah... in a way," Sam gestured his hands in a so-so motion. "I get that this is a two-way street. If you don't want to do his I have no choice but to accept it. And being mad at you... well, what's that going to do?"

Dean nodded understandingly.

"Plus, I realized what we were doing before didn't work. Always hiding, having to put up warding-off signs for Angels just so Cas couldn't pop in and catch us... It was just not  _healthy_ in a way. It wasn't enough." Sam shook his head. "Eventually we would've gotten tired of it, you know? I didn't want all the rules and regulations to our Whatever It Was. I wanted all or nothing. No in between."

Dean stood up, sliding a hand down his cheek. He didn't know what to say. For him, it was just a fun little fling. But for Sam, it was serious as hell.

Sam smiled somberly. "But that doesn't matter anymore," he said, going into the bathroom. "It's over."

Dean looked down as Sam closed the door.

"It's over," he murmured, shaking his head.

 

_**And if you want it all, I'd do anything to see you through** _

 

Dean thought a lot about what Sam said. He saw how much Sam was hurting. He only wished he was as good at expressing his feelings as Sam was. The things he'd tell him.

"You just passed the bar," Sam said, confused.

"I know," Dean nodded. He saw the way Sam's eyes changed when he'd even mention going to the bar. He couldn't see that again.

"Uh, okay. So where are we going?"

"It's a surprise," Dean smiled, giving Sam a quick glance.

"Dean, if you take me to another Plucky Pennywhistle's, I swear—"

"No," Dean laughed. "No, none of that. Sorry again, by the way."

"Shut up," Sam shook his head.

 

_-~-_

 

Sam fell asleep before he could see the sign marking the entrance to Kansas. Luckily, Dean was able to convince him to rest up, if not, his surprise would be spoiled.

The truth is there's much more to Dean's feelings than he earlier admitted. He was just having issues expressing them to Sam. But he had a plan. Tonight, he'd stop Sam's hurting.

Dean pulled in to an old forest and parked the Impala in a clearing. Opening the door, he stepped out and went to the trunk.

Sam came to and looked around. "Dean?"

When Dean didn't respond, Sam got out and found him bent over something in the ground.

"Dean?" Sam asked, stepping closer. "Where are we?"

Dean got up and turned towards his brother. "We're in Lawrence," he smiled.

"What?" Sam exclaimed. "W-What?"

"Yeah," Dean nodded. "I, uh... I needed to do something."

"You... you needed to do something so bad you drove all the way to Kansas?" Sam exclaimed.

"Sam... please. Just trust me, okay?"

Dean looked at him expectedly.

Sam shook his head, trying to wrap it around the situation. "Why are we here?"

Dean let out a nervous sigh. "Remember this place?" He smiled, bringing a hand to the back of his neck.

Sam looked around before realizing.

"Why would you bring me back here?" he asked Dean as if he'd experienced a traumatic event where they stood.

Dean's eyes softened. "Sammy, I just—"

"Get me out of here," he started towards the car.

"Sam, wait—" Dean followed.

"Wait?" Sam turned back to Dean. "Why? So you can tell me how you loved coming here with me when we were younger?" So we can reminisce over our best memories like before? So I can start getting feelings for you again only to have you shoot me down _again_?! Was this what you needed to do? Torture me even more?!"

Dean blinked away the tears that formed in his eyes. He locked his lips as he approached Sam even more. "Sammy.. the last thing I'd ever want to do is...  _torture_ you.."

"Right. Is that why you dragged me to all those bars? Made me sit and watch as you flirted and left with every breathing thing in a skirt?"

Dean shook his head furiously, now realizing the extent of how much he hurt his Sammy. "No, Sam. I never, ever wanted to hurt you. God... I'm so sorry!"

Sam looked away, as if poisoned by the words his brother was saying.

"I am," Dean repeated, trying to catch Sam's gaze. "I'm so fucking sorry."

"You didn't seem sorry when you went with all those girls. Were you sorry while you were fucking Pie Girl?"

"For Pete's sake, I said your name, damn it. That screams guilt," Dean explained. He didn't mean to get this way with Sam. It's just that Sam was making this really hard.

"Oh!" Sam nodded. "You broke my damn heart then ran off and banged some chick within the same time span, but you said my name! You were so guilty, I'm so sorry."

Dean took a deep breath. "Sam," he started. "I will spend the rest of my life trying to make this up to you. I will never stop regretting it, even with I'm laying on my death bed. I am  _so fucking sorry_ , Sammy. I really am."

Sam looked away from a few seconds, obviously trying to get rid of his impending tears.

"But I need you to know something, Sam," Dean said, just above a whisper, taking two steps towards his brother and gently holding his cheek.

A tear rolled down Sam's flushed cheek on to Dean's thumb.

"What?" Sam barely choked out.

Dean leaned in to Sam, barely any space separating them. Their noses touched for a brief second and Dean finally found a way to tell Sam how he felt.

"Sammy," he murmured, looking at the younger's lips. "I love you."

Before Sam could even react, Dean's lips were on his, showing him how he felt in long, sweet kisses that felt right. And Sam believed him even more when he felt Dean's tears sliding down his cheeks on to their joined lips.

For a second Sam need to pinch himself to prove this was actually real, actually happening.

Dean pulled back for a moment and just breathed.

Sam's eyebrows pulled together in a protest for his lips again.

Dean looked up at Sam gave him a playful smile. "Bitch."

Sam chuckled softly and nodded. "Jerk."

Dean smiled wider and pulled Sam in for one more kiss.

When they parted he jogged back over to his previous spot in the middle of the field and bent over something.

Sam stood and watched fondly as Dean came back up and ran back to him.

"Three...two...one," Dean counted. Then all at once a barrage of fireworks flew up and lighted the moonlit sky.

Sam looked up at them, mesmerized by the miscellaneous collection of colors and lights.

Dean didn't notice the fireworks though. His eyes were locked on Sam; he was absolutely glowing. His expression went from awe to pure happiness in a matter of seconds. His eyes crinkled as he laughed and held out his hands to try the catch the light somehow.

Dean felt a different feeling this time. One he was not used to.

Love. Real, absolute, infinite, endless ~~forbidden~~ love.

Sam looked over at Dean, eye's beaming.

"Thank you, Dean. I can't even begin—"

"Then don't," Dean said, bringing his arms up to rest at Sam's shoulders. "Just say you forgive me."

Sam brought his hands to rest at Dean's hips. "I forgive you. And I love you."

Dean got up on his tippy toes to kiss Sam, earning a laugh by his younger brother.

"Shut up," he mumbled, wrapping his arms around Sam's neck.

"Gladly."

 

_**And if I fall, my heart holds onto you...** _

 

Sam and Dean were working a case that got way out of hand. Long story short, Sam broke his arm and Dean, with some signature cuts and bruises, got gravely ill. Sam tried everything he could and more to try and save his brother but things weren't looking up. Eventually Dean told him to cool his jets and have a seat next to his hospital bed.

"Sammy, what I'm about to say is—"

"No, Dean," Sam stopped him. "Don't do that to me...I'll find a way."

"Sam, please," Dean croaked, coughing into his hand. Red liquid sat still in his palm and he closed his hand; Sam didn't need to see that. "Listen to me, Sam. You tried everything you could. Just... instead of finding ways to cheat death"—Sam looked down—"Spend time with me. Make the last moments special."

Sam fiddled with his hands, feeling a pressure in his nose before his eyes glazed over with tears. Just above a whisper he let out a broken,

"I can save you."

Dean's eyebrows pulled together because  _he loves me so much_. He felt his heart climb up his throat and lost his words. Then he thought it actually might have been vomit.

Sam kept fidgeting with his hands, refusing to look up at his brother. He didn't think he could bear looking at Dean's pale, clammy skin or cold eyes anymore. He looked so frail. Small. Helpless. And Dean Winchester is none of those things.

"You don't have to save me," Dean said gently, taking Sam's hand in his tattered one.

"What would you do?" If it was the other way around?" Sam asked rhetorically.

He felt Dean give his hand a light squeeze.

"What would  _you_ do?" he asked back.

 _Touché_ , Sam thought. If it was the other way around, Dean would tear up the walls trying to find a way to save Sam, and Sam would tell him to stop and let him go in peace. Too bad this thought only made Sam cry harder.

Dean sighed, sitting up slightly squeezing Sam's hand, urging him to look him in the eyes.

"Sam, look at me."

Sam shook his head. "I can't.."

"Don't make me punch your arm," Dean threatened playfully.

Sam, if possible, looked down even further. "You're dying, Dean. I can't... I can't watch you die. Not again."

Dean, with a fragile arm, reaches up and punches Sam's broken one.

" _Shit!_ " Sam grimaces, cradling his arm. "Why?!"

"I'm gonna die, Sam!" Dean yelled, punching Sam's arm again.

"Ow!" Sam yelled, gripping his cast.

"I'm gonna die and you're gonna have to live without me! I won't be here, Sam! I'll be gone! It's not the first time!"

He threw one last punch. Sam screamed and Dean sent a barrage of coughs into his hand at the same time.

Ignoring the blood, he looked up at Sam who was sobbing, red-faced, and clutching his arms. He was experiencing physical and emotional pain at once.

"I am dying. So get me the hell out of his hospital and let's have a good day for once," Dean says.

 

-~-

 

Sam held Dean in his arms on the back-seat of the Impala. Dean was coughing up blood. Sam rubbed Dean's tummy gently and murmured things in his ear neither of them understood.

They were parked on a beach and the sun had just set. Sam did it simply for the fact of how perfectly cliché it was. Dean didn't mind it, though. Or maybe he did. If he did, he didn't say anything.

"I think it's time," Dean breathed, leaning back on to Sam's chest and blinking slowly. "I'm hanging on by a thread, Sammy."

_Sammy._

Sam's jaw clenched.

"Let go, Dean. It's okay," he whispered.

"Sammy?" Dean said, barely audible.

"Hm?" Sam nuzzled his nose between the crook of Dean's neck and collarbone.

"I..." Dean's eyes shut slowly. The pace at which his chest rises and falls slowed.

"Dean?" Sam choked out. "You what, Dean?"

It takes a few seconds, but Dean finally says, "I love you, Sammy."

Sam sighed, eyes closing shut.

"I love you too, Dean."

Their hands had been intertwined and Dean was lightly squeezing Sam's thumb. As his breathing slowed, his hold on Sam's thumb faltered.

"More than anything. No matter what," he managed to breathe out. "Thank you."

Sam couldn't help the tears that slipped out onto Dean's shoulder.

There was no more hold.

No more chest rise.

No more Dean.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Epilogue**

 

Cas popped in the seat, next to the pile of Winchester's.

"Is... is he—"

"Yeah," Sam nodded.

Cas nodded back. He reached over and touched Dean's forehead, closing his eyes. A white light emitted from Cas' touch and surrounded Dean's body. Sam watched desperately and bit his lip.

_Gasp._

Dean gasped to life, color restored, scars gone, limp muscles rock-hard again.

"What happened?" he looked around. "Cas? Where the hell were—"

"You died," Sam informed. "And Cas brought you back."

Dean's eyes squinted at Sam. "You just couldn't let me go, could you?"

They looked at each other for a few seconds before Dean broke out into a smile and hugged his brother. Cas popped back out.

"I love you, Sammy," Dean smiled fondly.

Sam sighed. "I love you too, Dean."

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed it! kudos are awesome and comments are even better!~~


End file.
